Monday, September 26, 2005

The DHH "G" Spot - Garden News

SPECIAL GARDEN ALERT:
This year has seen an infestation of the little-known arachnid Araneidae Potterybarnus, commonly known as the "Tea Light Spider." This creature is harmless to people and plants, however it may startle the cat. Will disappear after October 31.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Dogs Love Mission Style

Dogs are very sensitive to style, and can develop a negative self image if they are forced to endure inferior furniture while their owners enjoy finely-crafted pieces.

Evoking an era when objects were made to last, Mission style furniture works in a variety of architectural settings.






Some dogs prefer the 18th century aesthetic. For these discriminating types, only the finest example of the cabinetmaker's craft will do.




Of course, there are those who will settle for nothing less than pure Hollywood glamour. For them, chic black and a touch of feathers satisfy the "inner star."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Poll Results

Recently, the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens asked the voting public to participate in a poll to select our new motto. The votes have been tabulated, and the results are as follows:

Fighting the terror of home decor: 6 votes
First educate, then decorate: 5 votes.
Come on-a my house, my house a come on ...: 4 votes

Therefore, we are pleased to announce the winner:

"Come on-a my house, my house a come on ..."

(We realize that on the surface, this candidate appears to be the loser, having received the lowest number of votes. However, after an exhaustive in-house investigation revealed suspicious tabulating irregularities, we just picked the one we liked best.)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Broadway's New Smash Hit Musical

Rave Reviews for “Don’t Fiddle With The Roof”


This season’s smash hit musical stars Mathew Broderick as a homeowner enduring a series of mishaps as he remodels his house. The show opens with the lively “If I Were a Rich Man,” in which Broderick sings of his dream of adding a second bathroom to his small home. Hugh Jackman portrays the mysterious “Contractor,” who may or may not be the devil.

The show-stopping “Addition!” closes the second act and features the entire cast on stage singing about a typical day of work remodeling the house.

ADDITION!


ENTIRE CAST
Addition, Addition! Addition!
Addition, Addition! Addition!

CONTRACTOR
Who, day and night, must scramble between job sites,
Read a bunch of blueprints, bang a nail or two?
And who has the right as master of the crew
To tell everyone what to do?

The Contractor, the Contractor! Addition.
The Contractor, the Contractor! Addition.

CREW
Who must know the way to use a mitre saw,
A table saw, a compound saw?
Who must raise the sheetrock and then sand the walls,
While the contractor makes phone calls?

The Crew, the Crew! Addition!
The Crew, the Crew! Addition!

PAINTER
At three I started prepping. At ten, I put on primer.
I hear they've picked a color. I hope they don’t change their mind again.

The painter, the painter! Addition!
The painter, the painter! Addition!

HOMEOWNERS
And who does the Contractor tell “There’s lots we have to mend.”
Causing me to think this job will never end?

The homeowner, the homeowner! Addition!
The homeowner, the homeowner! Addition!

Monday, September 12, 2005

REAL ESTATE LISTINGS

NEW LISTINGS

SUPERDOOPER!
Superdome - Sugar Bowl Drive, New Orleans
Great location, easy access to nearby freeways
Previous tenants relocated to different state
Total Square Footage: 269,000 sq. ft.
This fantastic space just needs a little TLC!
Slight fixer, needs new roof
Call agent for appt.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

9/11 - In Memoriam

John Talignani, Staten Island, NY
Passenger on United Airlines Flight 93, 9/11/2001

John Talignani

And to all those who lost their lives that terrible day.

Friday, September 09, 2005

DHHG Defends Slow Response To Crisis

AP - 2 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens again defended itself against accusations that it, like much of the federal government, was slow to respond to the crisis caused by hurricane Katrina.

Said Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth, "Excuse me, but we are an agency that was created to deal with the terror of home decor. These people no longer have homes. That doesn't give us much to work with."


Kenneth also defended the time it took to prepare the shelters for those evacuated from the devastated areas. "You can't just open the doors and say 'come on in.' You have to pick a paint color that will flatter everyone. You have to pick bedding that goes with the paint color. We didn't want to do the same, tired shelter look that's been done a thousand times before. Here was an opportunity to bring some real style to the American people. Once we found the blue cots, we all knew we had our theme. The red, white and blue palette works on several levels. It's an homage to our decorating past, while at the same time offers comfort and familiarity. We're very pleased with the way it all turned out."

Secretary Kenneth added that Americans have to realize the importance of a project such as this. "If we let our decor standards drop, even a little bit, terrible decor wins. And we've all fought too hard and long to let that happen."

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Special Dr. Phil: Makeover Madness


Dr. Phil will host a one hour special dealing with the subject of serial remodelers. According to the talk show host, "We, as a nation, are obsessed with home makeovers. It's real, it's dangerous, and it's more common than you might think."

Guests include Ty Pennington, celebrity carpenter, and Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona, who believes the government should limit the number of remodels each citizen may participate in. "Serial makeovers not only place the homeowner at risk of stress from endless decision-making, but they also place a great strain on our resources. Tile, granite, throw pillows - things that once were abundant in our environment are all disappearing at alarming rates."

Check local listings for time and channel.

Monday, September 05, 2005

The History of Labor Day


Labor Day: How it Came About; What it Means

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the completion of those chores that have been put off since summer began. Summer is a time to laze around, to go to the beach, to sleep. Certainly not to do things such as repairing torn window screens, fixing the garage door and cutting back the overgrown bush on the side of the house. Things like that are just no fun. But suddenly it's September and it's time to go back to work, back to school - back to real life. So Labor Day was created to give Americans one extra day to stand in a long line at Home Depot and then go home and clean out the gutters.

Labor Day. Enjoy it!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

What Took So Long?

AP - today

WASHINGTON - All over the country people are asking why it took so long for relief to reach hurricane-ravaged areas.

Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth of the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens offers one explanation. "As soon as we realized the scope of the devastation, I put a call out to our General Contractor. I left a message on his cell phone. I also called his office and the woman there told me he was 'at another job site.' I tried his pager but it was off. In the course of the next two days I left several more messages. I'm still waiting for the GC to call back."

Kenneth promises that the Army Corps. of Decorators is ready to mobilize as soon as needed, bringing drapery, paint color and accessory advice to those affected by the hurricane. "All those people in shelters should take some comfort in knowing that professional government decorating advice is on its way to them. We are also sending thousands of style guides with tips on things like creating pleasing photo arrangements and selecting the proper size lighting fixtures. I suggest that while people are sitting around in the refugee centers, they take a little time to study these guides."

Kenneth also stressed that this should be a reminder to all Americans of the importance of having a Family Emergency Decor Plan. "Immediately after a disaster such as this, you may not be able to think clearly. What is the name of your kitchen granite? Where did you get your cabinet knobs? These types of crucial details should be recorded somewhere. We urge all Americans to take a few moments to make a list and file it with your other important papers in a safe place."

The DHHG stands ready to join the rest of the government in offering relief from this national disaster.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Hurricane Relief

Our hearts and prayers go out to the people affected by the hurricane.

Please make whatever donation you can:

Red Cross

Salvation Army

Habitat for Humanity

or the relief organization of your choice.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Important News About Home Brewed Coffee




The DHHG has released the following information about brewing coffee at home:

Personal Coffee System

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Feng Shui Changes Name

AP - 11 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - In an attempt to appeal to a younger demographic the ancient Chinese practice known as "Feng Shui" has changed its name. It will now be known as "F. Shizzle."