The DHHG Responds to Your Letters for Help

Here again is our popular “Ask a Government Decorator,” in which an official government decorating expert answers your home décor and remodeling questions.

Dear Government Decorator:
My husband is in love – with an old house! It’s about 150 years old, and he wants us to live there while we fix it up. He considers himself to be very handy and wants to do most of the work himself. He says we can add on, and that it will be a good investment and fun. I’ve never lived in an older house before and don’t know what to expect. Any advice?
Signed, Husband Loves Old Houses

Dear Lover of Lover of Old Houses:
FUN?? Do you enjoy taking showers in cold water? Do you enjoy sleeping under the stars – in your own bedroom, because the roof has collapsed? Every year countless numbers of young, trusting women are duped by men such as your husband. Living in a fixer upper is a hard life, filled with endless repairs, inadequate plumbing, and faulty electrical wiring. Your weekends will be consumed by trips to the home center, hours in filthy attic crawl spaces, and visits to the city dump. It will be years before the house is “finished,” if ever. Your Christmas presents for the next ten years will be power tools. And most important, you must consider this: how do you look in overalls? You should think long and hard about this decision.

Help is available. If you or someone you know needs assistance, please contact the following organizations for support and information: HEAR (Help Enduring a Remodel), WORTH (Women Opposed to Remodeling The House) and OHLA (Old House Lovers Anonymous)

To submit a question to “Ask a Government Decorator,” simply go to www.usgov.dhhg.org/aagd/forms and download form #DHHGAGD208. You must answer all questions and you must include your social security number. You must be a citizen or legal resident of the United States. All questions become the property of the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens. Filing a false request for decorating advice is punishable under section 4.8(D)(2) of the Patriot Act.

Getty Museum Offers Reproduction Art For Homeowners

AP - 36 minutes ago

LOS ANGELES, Ca - The famed J. Paul Getty Museum has unveiled a new website, which will offer reproductions of select paintings for discriminating home owners who desire to decorate with museum-class artwork.

The museum, which has been struggling against accusations of knowingly buying stolen art and antiquities, says this new enterprise will help fund the defense against such charges. A press release stated "The Getty will rise above these allegations, and prove to the world that we are indeed a first class artistic institution."

In just its first week of operation, the Getty reported brisk sales of artwork, including this classic piece by C. M. Coolidge (1844-1934).

LORD OF THE RINGS HOME DECOR

New from the Pottery Barn LORD OF THE RINGS home decor collection - these fabulous "Ent" candlestick holders. Pay tribute to the mighty Ents of Fangorn, who helped the Hobbits defeat the evil Saruman. These attractive candlestick holders make a wonderful addition to any LOTR collection, and look just like normal decorative candlestick holders, which allows you to fool people into thinking you're a regular grownup. Sweet!

FEH SHUI: Authentic New York Style Decor

Feh Shui is similar to Feng Shui, but there are some differences. Learn the basic principles of Feh Shui

FENG SHUI:

FEH SHUI:

Great Rockers in Home Remodeling - Pt. 3

We continue our salute to great rockers who have been inspired by remodeling or decorating their homes.

Today's Rocker: Mick Jagger, of the Rolling Stones


It was the late 60's, and Jagger was painting the living room of his flat in London. His friends had moved all the furniture into the bedroom and taken the pictures off the walls, but Mick returned from the paint store empty-handed. The problem, Jagger explained to his buddies, was that there were just too many colors to choose from. Seafoam green, peach, Prussian blue - the musician was simply overwhelmed by the choices. His buddies sympathized, but they all had to get back to work the next day. If Mick didn't make a choice soon, all their efforts would be for naught.

Frustrated, Jagger threw his arms up in the air and shouted that they should just "paint it black." His friends laughed, but Mick stood for a moment thinking. Suddenly, he grabbed a pen and started writing on the bare walls:

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black ...

As he thought more and more about the process of picking paint colors, the lyrics seemed to flow from Jagger as if he were channeling them from the Gods.

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal...

Jagger may not have painted his living room that day, but he ended up writing one of the greatest rock and roll songs ever. And it might not have happened if he hadn't decided to do a little decorating. Rock on, home decor! Rock on.

New Drugs Offer Relief for Homeowners

AP - 1 hour ago

WASHINGTON - Several new drugs targeted at home owners and home remodelers have just been approved by the FDA.

CALCULAX (methylprednisolone acetate) aids in performing complicated calculations required to obtain a new mortgage, refinance a current mortgage, or apply for a home equity loan.

RENO-Vex (eplerenone tablets) is intended for people undertaking any kind of renovation to their home. It promotes calm, rational thought and an even heartbeat when the contractor submits his bill.

Decor*LA (alprazolam tablets) is specifically targeted to the Los Angeles area, and allows homeowners to make clear choices regardless of whatever overpriced, celebrity-influenced decorating styles exist at the moment.

Words of Wisdom

The Dalai Lama's personal interior decorator, Chuseng Wat Lhuksnys, offers advise about understanding the recent tragic events in our nation:

Words of Wisdom, Words of Hope