I hope you are all enjoying the
"Podcasts!". I've got a few more "in development" (as my cousin who works in Hollywood might say), so check back soon.
Listen - I wanted to just pop in and let you know what's been going on around here, as the rumors have been swirling and there's so much spin it's hard to know what's real and what's not. Believe me. It's been intense.
First of all, yes - the DHHG has been rolled into Homeland Security, along with FEMA and CTU. There have been layoffs, although I've been told I'm safe. For the moment.
Which brings me to number two. No! And I don't know how the rumor got started, but I have NOT been reassigned to another government department. Several people have told me they heard I was working at the Department of Health. Someone even said they saw me there. I ... really don't know what to say, except that it's not true. That's a pretty scary place and I wouldn't want to work there. They are the people who test all the new drugs, and sometimes I think they test them on themselves, which would explain a lot. Not to get all cheesy 70's sci-fi, but I remember one day I was in the DHHG cafeteria and this weird guy came by and took away my empty soda can the minute I finished. Maybe they are cloning people over there or something? I wouldn't put it past them.
And, number three. Unfortunately, yes, this one is true. Someone who works at the DHHG was recently arrested for "solicitation of decorating porn." Apparently this creep was trolling the internet, looking for young designers and wooing them with promises of government endorsements in exchange for posed pictures of new couches and end tables. It's all very sordid, not to mention hello?!!! Giving out your work e-mail address?!!! And telling them to write back to you? I feel major guilt if I use my work computer to innocently check to see who was booted from American Idol (because I don't have TIVO and of course I'm watching LOST). But this person was blatantly going online and telling people he worked for the DHHG. I guess one of the them was actually a federal agent posing as a young designer. I was out on a fabric run when they came to arrest him so I missed the whole thing, but it's cast quite a pall around here, and believe me, there was already enough pall what with the layoffs and rollups and whatnot. In fact, we're all going to come in on Saturday and paint our offices fresh spring colors in an effort to fight the pall. (I've picked citrus green!)
Okay. I guess that covers it. I've got to run. We are supposed to have a briefing with someone named Chloe from the IT department at CTU, who will be explaining the new security protocols. I hope it's not another one of those interminably boring meetings that goes on and on and it feels like you're sitting there for like, 24 hours.
Well, that's it for now from the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens, where our goal is to first educate, then decorate.
