The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens

Long Time, No Decor

2007-07-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

Hey - it's Franny G here! Wow - it's been forever since the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens was merged into Homeland Security and the old gang moved on. All the recent news about "increased terror levels" has made me nostalgic, and I wanted to check in on the old place. It looks smaller. I haven't touched a paint chip or looked at a Pottery Barn catalog in ages. I don't really miss it. I do miss the people I used to work with. I heard that Secretary Kenneth now works for HGTV. Most of the government decorators have gone on to lucrative consulting positions with private corporations. I thought about writing a screenplay about my experience working for the DHHG, but most of what I know is still classified. I'd have to fictionalize everything! Even then no one would believe the stuff that went on in that place. Anyway, I'm meeting some friends for dinner, so I have to run, but I just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing okay. I'll never forget my time at the DHHG.

Batty For Britain - New Program Explained

2006-05-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

In a show of support for our allies in Britain, the DHHG has announced the new "Batty For Britain" program.

Get all the details here.

In addition - we are having trouble with our iTunes download. We suspect a jealous rival at HGTV has somehow hacked into the system in an attempt to disrupt the important work we're doing here at the DHHG. Don't let anyone keep you from getting the latest news. Visit the Podcast site directly and you won't miss a thing.

New Podcast - Headlamp Hannah

2006-05-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

Do you love learning about the history of house cleaning? (And really, who doesn't?) Or do you love the 40's? Or do you just love headlamps?

If you can answer "yes" to any of the above, you MUST check out our new Podcast - "The Legend of Headlamp Hannah."

It may surprise some to learn that Martha Stewart was not the first woman to concern herself with advancing the science of house cleaning. Way back in the 1940's, another brave pioneer almost made her mark. Listen to the Podcast to learn more about this un-sung hero!

NEW - DHHG Podcasts on iTunes

2006-04-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

The DHHG Podcasts are now available on iTunes.

What does this mean to you, the American decorating public? By subscribing to the DHHG on iTunes, you will automatically receive new podcasts without lifting a finger. And it's free!

Simply log onto iTunes, go to "Podcasts," and search for "DHHG." You can then download all current episodes into your iTunes list. And future episodes will appear as if by magic!

How do we do this? You may have heard the term "RSS," or Really Simply Syndication. Basically, this is a type of computer code written in XML, which is similar to HTML.

Still confused? Don't worry. All you need to know is that RSS allows specially-trained miniature government agents to travel though the air into your computer at home and install the DHHG podcasts. These agents are so tiny a million of them can fit on the head of a pin. In addition, if you set your preferences correctly, they will do some light dusting and rearrange your living room according to the principles of Feng Shui.

And - if you don't have iTunes, or the thought of miniature government agents frightens you, you can still get the podcasts here .

Subscribe today, because new podcasts are coming soon!

Two New Podcasts

2006-04-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Two exciting new podcasts!

Profiles in Cleaning - the story of Missy Swiffer
and
The Real Estate Frenzy - the human story behind the hype

"New podcasts here!"

Update

2006-04-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

I hope you are all enjoying the "Podcasts!". I've got a few more "in development" (as my cousin who works in Hollywood might say), so check back soon.

Listen - I wanted to just pop in and let you know what's been going on around here, as the rumors have been swirling and there's so much spin it's hard to know what's real and what's not. Believe me. It's been intense.

First of all, yes - the DHHG has been rolled into Homeland Security, along with FEMA and CTU. There have been layoffs, although I've been told I'm safe. For the moment.

Which brings me to number two. No! And I don't know how the rumor got started, but I have NOT been reassigned to another government department. Several people have told me they heard I was working at the Department of Health. Someone even said they saw me there. I ... really don't know what to say, except that it's not true. That's a pretty scary place and I wouldn't want to work there. They are the people who test all the new drugs, and sometimes I think they test them on themselves, which would explain a lot. Not to get all cheesy 70's sci-fi, but I remember one day I was in the DHHG cafeteria and this weird guy came by and took away my empty soda can the minute I finished. Maybe they are cloning people over there or something? I wouldn't put it past them.

And, number three. Unfortunately, yes, this one is true. Someone who works at the DHHG was recently arrested for "solicitation of decorating porn." Apparently this creep was trolling the internet, looking for young designers and wooing them with promises of government endorsements in exchange for posed pictures of new couches and end tables. It's all very sordid, not to mention hello?!!! Giving out your work e-mail address?!!! And telling them to write back to you? I feel major guilt if I use my work computer to innocently check to see who was booted from American Idol (because I don't have TIVO and of course I'm watching LOST). But this person was blatantly going online and telling people he worked for the DHHG. I guess one of the them was actually a federal agent posing as a young designer. I was out on a fabric run when they came to arrest him so I missed the whole thing, but it's cast quite a pall around here, and believe me, there was already enough pall what with the layoffs and rollups and whatnot. In fact, we're all going to come in on Saturday and paint our offices fresh spring colors in an effort to fight the pall. (I've picked citrus green!)

Okay. I guess that covers it. I've got to run. We are supposed to have a briefing with someone named Chloe from the IT department at CTU, who will be explaining the new security protocols. I hope it's not another one of those interminably boring meetings that goes on and on and it feels like you're sitting there for like, 24 hours.

Well, that's it for now from the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens, where our goal is to first educate, then decorate.

New Podcast!

2006-04-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

Another exciting Podcast from The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens:

"Starbucks At Home"

Podcasts

2006-03-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

In an effort to remain on the technology tip, we here at the DHHG now offer some of our classic news articles in Podcast.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alderson

Decorating whiz kid Harry Potter faces a great challenge when She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named threatens the peace of the land.

"The Art of Feh Shui"

Author Harriet Levenstein discusses the origin of the decorating concepts in her new book, “The Art of Feh Shui.”

COMING SOON - PODCASTS

2006-03-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

We at the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens acknowledge that we live in a changing world, where technology drives us across an ever-shifting landscape of available information.

And so, in that spirt, we will soon make available some of your favorite DHHG news releases, articles, and special features in Podcast form.

As soon as we find a 12 year old to teach us what that is and how to do it.

Check back soon!

DHHG Profiles In Cleaning

2005-12-29T07:08:00.000-08:00

Part of an on-going series exploring our country's great history of cleanliness:

Missy Swiffer

I'm Dreaming of a Brand New Kitchen ...

2005-12-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

(An ode to kitchen renovation, with apologies to Irving Berlin)

I’m dreaming of a brand new kitchen
Just like the ones on HGTV
If the contractor will listen, how the granite will glisten
How envious my neighbor will be!

Oh, I’m dreaming a new kitchen
With every single check I write
May your spouse let you win every fight,
And may your kitchen renovation be just right!

Merry Christmas from the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens!

Christmas Lights: A Cautionary Tale

2005-12-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

This is your Christmas light display:

This is your Christmas light display on drugs:

Please visit Ugly Christmas Lights for more examples.

Greetings From Our Dear Leader

2005-12-15T07:02:00.000-08:00

A special holiday message from our Dear Leader, Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth:

Season's Greetings from the DHHG!

NEW PILLOW REGULATIONS

2005-12-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

Due to the urgent pillow shortage, the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens has enacted emergency legislation aimed at pillow conservation. As of January 1, 2006, the new law forbids the use of more than two (2) pillows per bed per household. Violation of this law may result in fine and/or imprisonment. Please refer to DHHG booklet PPU23-42 for further information.

ILLEGAL:

LEGAL:

THIS YEAR'S MOST REQUESTED GIFT

2005-12-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

Forget Xbox.

According to Google, the number one requested gift of the year is this tissue dispenser. Coordinates with any decor. Better order yours now!

DHHG Bans Overalls, Proposes Dress Code

2005-12-01T07:43:00.000-08:00

The DHHG has gone on the offensive about offensive clothing. Read about the proposed Remodelers Dress Code:

Remodelers Dress Code

New For the Holidays from the DHHG Decor Store

2005-11-26T12:53:00.000-08:00

Need a very special holiday gift? The DHHG is offering a special on these wonderful bookends, straight from the government's surplus decor store.

These useful bookends were originally used by the government in Guantanamo Bay, and have recently been made available in large quantities as government surplus, which enables us to offer them to you for a wonderful low price!

The high quality fully functioning steel screws turn smoothly, ensuring an iron tight grip on whatever is placed between them. You wouldn't want to get your finger (or any other body party) caught in there! We have no idea what they were originally used for at GITMO, as there's really just a big prison there, and these things could really hurt someone if they were used the wrong way, but they sure had tons of them. But GITMO's loss is your gain, because now you can give them as fun and practical holiday gifts!

Don't forget to order a pair for yourself. Who wouldn't love to own a piece of genuine surplus government property?

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

The DHHG wishes you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving.

Remember - drink and decorate safely!

DHHG Book of the Month

2005-11-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

We here at the DHHG don't leave our jobs behind at quitting time. After an arduous day at work, when 2:45 finally rolls around, we'll often go home and watch HGTV. That's how dedicated we are. After that, we stay up late into the night reading shelter magazines. We do this for you, the decorating public. Books are a great source of inspiration, too. But with so many books out there it's often confusing. Should you believe Martha? Or does Christopher Lowell have the answers? Don't stress out. Why not let the DHHG pick your decorating books for you?

This month's must read:

Interior Desecrations, by James Lileks

Learn how to create beautiful rooms that express your own personality. You will learn about color coordination, object placement, and picking art work that really says something about you.

This book has earned the coveted DHHG "Gold Star." You can be assured this book is government-tested and government approved!

The History of Thanksgiving

2005-11-19T16:35:00.000-08:00

Did you know that Thanksgiving is a holiday that owes its origins to our neighbors in Peru?

Aymara Indians living in the Andean Mountains of South America cultivated more than two hundred varieties of the potato. Every year they would hold the "Celebration de las Papas," where they would thank the Gods for providing an abundant crop. A small bird, often a turkey, was also sacrificed, and eaten with the potatoes.

When the Priests began imposing a tax on feast potatoes, clever peasants substituted the plentiful turkey as the main dish, relegating the potato to "side dish" status. The greedy Priests' plan backfired. Although many people still looked forward to the potatoes, most found they enjoyed the turkey just as well. Some people, of course, enjoyed equal amounts of turkey and side dishes. A few ate nothing but brussel sprouts. They were ostracized. When the Spanish Conquistadors brought the potato back to Europe (where it was grown in Switzerland, Germany, and Ireland), the "Celebration de las Papas" became anglicized to "Thanks for the Delicious Turkey and Side Dishes Day." Later, when the Pilgrims landed in the New World (America) they shortened it to "Thanksgiving," because they were just too busy. And that's how Thanksgiving became a holiday!

DHHG UNDER INVESTIGATION

2005-11-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, the rumors swirling around G-town have proven to be true. The DHHG has come under the scrutiny of a special prosecutor for alleged misdeeds. Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth has issued a statement:

DHHG Denies Charges of Torture

Reminder: Please Remove Your Halloween Decor

2005-11-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

According to The Department of Homeland Homes and Garden Decor Act, Article 6, Section 28.2(b): All Halloween-themed decorations ("Halloween decorations") shall be removed from private residences by the next Sunday after the occurrence of the Halloween holiday ("Halloween Holiday"). Halloween-themed decor includes, but is not limited to, cobwebs, black cats, broomsticks, pumpkins, pumpkin-like articles, witches, witches in trees, witches sticking out from windows, scary goblins, headless men, ghosts, ghostly figures, giant spiders, spiders dressed as ghosts, ghosts dressed as witches, witches dressed as pumpkins and/or pumpkins dressed as witches. Also included are tombstones of any shape or size.

If the Halloween holiday occurs on a Sunday, the decorations must be removed by the next Sunday after the occurrence of the holiday.

Failure to remove all Halloween-themed decorations may result in penalties to be determined by the amount and quality of the decorations occurring on or at the specific residence.

To view the approved schedule for Thanksgiving and Winter holiday decorations, please consult The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens publication titled "When Can I Decorate In Compliance with the Law?"

The DHHG Responds to Your Letters for Help

2005-10-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Here again is our popular “Ask a Government Decorator,” in which an official government decorating expert answers your home décor and remodeling questions.

Dear Government Decorator:
My husband is in love – with an old house! It’s about 150 years old, and he wants us to live there while we fix it up. He considers himself to be very handy and wants to do most of the work himself. He says we can add on, and that it will be a good investment and fun. I’ve never lived in an older house before and don’t know what to expect. Any advice?
Signed, Husband Loves Old Houses

Dear Lover of Lover of Old Houses:
FUN?? Do you enjoy taking showers in cold water? Do you enjoy sleeping under the stars – in your own bedroom, because the roof has collapsed? Every year countless numbers of young, trusting women are duped by men such as your husband. Living in a fixer upper is a hard life, filled with endless repairs, inadequate plumbing, and faulty electrical wiring. Your weekends will be consumed by trips to the home center, hours in filthy attic crawl spaces, and visits to the city dump. It will be years before the house is “finished,” if ever. Your Christmas presents for the next ten years will be power tools. And most important, you must consider this: how do you look in overalls? You should think long and hard about this decision.

Help is available. If you or someone you know needs assistance, please contact the following organizations for support and information: HEAR (Help Enduring a Remodel), WORTH (Women Opposed to Remodeling The House) and OHLA (Old House Lovers Anonymous)

To submit a question to “Ask a Government Decorator,” simply go to www.usgov.dhhg.org/aagd/forms and download form #DHHGAGD208. You must answer all questions and you must include your social security number. You must be a citizen or legal resident of the United States. All questions become the property of the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens. Filing a false request for decorating advice is punishable under section 4.8(D)(2) of the Patriot Act.

Getty Museum Offers Reproduction Art For Homeowners

2005-10-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

AP - 36 minutes ago

LOS ANGELES, Ca - The famed J. Paul Getty Museum has unveiled a new website, which will offer reproductions of select paintings for discriminating home owners who desire to decorate with museum-class artwork.

The museum, which has been struggling against accusations of knowingly buying stolen art and antiquities, says this new enterprise will help fund the defense against such charges. A press release stated "The Getty will rise above these allegations, and prove to the world that we are indeed a first class artistic institution."

In just its first week of operation, the Getty reported brisk sales of artwork, including this classic piece by C. M. Coolidge (1844-1934).

LORD OF THE RINGS HOME DECOR

2005-10-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

New from the Pottery Barn LORD OF THE RINGS home decor collection - these fabulous "Ent" candlestick holders. Pay tribute to the mighty Ents of Fangorn, who helped the Hobbits defeat the evil Saruman. These attractive candlestick holders make a wonderful addition to any LOTR collection, and look just like normal decorative candlestick holders, which allows you to fool people into thinking you're a regular grownup. Sweet!

FEH SHUI: Authentic New York Style Decor

2005-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

Feh Shui is similar to Feng Shui, but there are some differences. Learn the basic principles of Feh Shui

FENG SHUI:

FEH SHUI:

Great Rockers in Home Remodeling - Pt. 3

2005-10-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

We continue our salute to great rockers who have been inspired by remodeling or decorating their homes.

Today's Rocker: Mick Jagger, of the Rolling Stones

It was the late 60's, and Jagger was painting the living room of his flat in London. His friends had moved all the furniture into the bedroom and taken the pictures off the walls, but Mick returned from the paint store empty-handed. The problem, Jagger explained to his buddies, was that there were just too many colors to choose from. Seafoam green, peach, Prussian blue - the musician was simply overwhelmed by the choices. His buddies sympathized, but they all had to get back to work the next day. If Mick didn't make a choice soon, all their efforts would be for naught.

Frustrated, Jagger threw his arms up in the air and shouted that they should just "paint it black." His friends laughed, but Mick stood for a moment thinking. Suddenly, he grabbed a pen and started writing on the bare walls:

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black ...

As he thought more and more about the process of picking paint colors, the lyrics seemed to flow from Jagger as if he were channeling them from the Gods.

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal...

Jagger may not have painted his living room that day, but he ended up writing one of the greatest rock and roll songs ever. And it might not have happened if he hadn't decided to do a little decorating. Rock on, home decor! Rock on.

New Drugs Offer Relief for Homeowners

2005-10-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

AP - 1 hour ago

WASHINGTON - Several new drugs targeted at home owners and home remodelers have just been approved by the FDA.

CALCULAX (methylprednisolone acetate) aids in performing complicated calculations required to obtain a new mortgage, refinance a current mortgage, or apply for a home equity loan.

RENO-Vex (eplerenone tablets) is intended for people undertaking any kind of renovation to their home. It promotes calm, rational thought and an even heartbeat when the contractor submits his bill.

Decor*LA (alprazolam tablets) is specifically targeted to the Los Angeles area, and allows homeowners to make clear choices regardless of whatever overpriced, celebrity-influenced decorating styles exist at the moment.

Words of Wisdom

2005-10-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

The Dalai Lama's personal interior decorator, Chuseng Wat Lhuksnys, offers advise about understanding the recent tragic events in our nation:

Words of Wisdom, Words of Hope

The DHH "G" Spot - Garden News

2005-09-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

SPECIAL GARDEN ALERT:
This year has seen an infestation of the little-known arachnid Araneidae Potterybarnus, commonly known as the "Tea Light Spider." This creature is harmless to people and plants, however it may startle the cat. Will disappear after October 31.

Dogs Love Mission Style

2005-09-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

Dogs are very sensitive to style, and can develop a negative self image if they are forced to endure inferior furniture while their owners enjoy finely-crafted pieces.

Evoking an era when objects were made to last, Mission style furniture works in a variety of architectural settings.

Some dogs prefer the 18th century aesthetic. For these discriminating types, only the finest example of the cabinetmaker's craft will do.

Of course, there are those who will settle for nothing less than pure Hollywood glamour. For them, chic black and a touch of feathers satisfy the "inner star."

Poll Results

2005-09-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens asked the voting public to participate in a poll to select our new motto. The votes have been tabulated, and the results are as follows:

Fighting the terror of home decor: 6 votes
First educate, then decorate: 5 votes.
Come on-a my house, my house a come on ...: 4 votes

Therefore, we are pleased to announce the winner:

"Come on-a my house, my house a come on ..."

(We realize that on the surface, this candidate appears to be the loser, having received the lowest number of votes. However, after an exhaustive in-house investigation revealed suspicious tabulating irregularities, we just picked the one we liked best.)

Broadway's New Smash Hit Musical

2005-09-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

Rave Reviews for “Don’t Fiddle With The Roof”

This season’s smash hit musical stars Mathew Broderick as a homeowner enduring a series of mishaps as he remodels his house. The show opens with the lively “If I Were a Rich Man,” in which Broderick sings of his dream of adding a second bathroom to his small home. Hugh Jackman portrays the mysterious “Contractor,” who may or may not be the devil.

The show-stopping “Addition!” closes the second act and features the entire cast on stage singing about a typical day of work remodeling the house.

ADDITION!

ENTIRE CAST
Addition, Addition! Addition!
Addition, Addition! Addition!

CONTRACTOR
Who, day and night, must scramble between job sites,
Read a bunch of blueprints, bang a nail or two?
And who has the right as master of the crew
To tell everyone what to do?

The Contractor, the Contractor! Addition.
The Contractor, the Contractor! Addition.

CREW
Who must know the way to use a mitre saw,
A table saw, a compound saw?
Who must raise the sheetrock and then sand the walls,
While the contractor makes phone calls?

The Crew, the Crew! Addition!
The Crew, the Crew! Addition!

PAINTER
At three I started prepping. At ten, I put on primer.
I hear they've picked a color. I hope they don’t change their mind again.

The painter, the painter! Addition!
The painter, the painter! Addition!

HOMEOWNERS
And who does the Contractor tell “There’s lots we have to mend.”
Causing me to think this job will never end?

The homeowner, the homeowner! Addition!
The homeowner, the homeowner! Addition!

REAL ESTATE LISTINGS

2005-09-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

NEW LISTINGS

SUPERDOOPER!
Superdome - Sugar Bowl Drive, New Orleans
Great location, easy access to nearby freeways
Previous tenants relocated to different state
Total Square Footage: 269,000 sq. ft.
This fantastic space just needs a little TLC!
Slight fixer, needs new roof
Call agent for appt.

9/11 - In Memoriam

2005-09-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

John Talignani, Staten Island, NY
Passenger on United Airlines Flight 93, 9/11/2001

John Talignani

And to all those who lost their lives that terrible day.

DHHG Defends Slow Response To Crisis

2005-09-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

AP - 2 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens again defended itself against accusations that it, like much of the federal government, was slow to respond to the crisis caused by hurricane Katrina.

Said Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth, "Excuse me, but we are an agency that was created to deal with the terror of home decor. These people no longer have homes. That doesn't give us much to work with."

Kenneth also defended the time it took to prepare the shelters for those evacuated from the devastated areas. "You can't just open the doors and say 'come on in.' You have to pick a paint color that will flatter everyone. You have to pick bedding that goes with the paint color. We didn't want to do the same, tired shelter look that's been done a thousand times before. Here was an opportunity to bring some real style to the American people. Once we found the blue cots, we all knew we had our theme. The red, white and blue palette works on several levels. It's an homage to our decorating past, while at the same time offers comfort and familiarity. We're very pleased with the way it all turned out."

Secretary Kenneth added that Americans have to realize the importance of a project such as this. "If we let our decor standards drop, even a little bit, terrible decor wins. And we've all fought too hard and long to let that happen."

Special Dr. Phil: Makeover Madness

2005-09-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

Dr. Phil will host a one hour special dealing with the subject of serial remodelers. According to the talk show host, "We, as a nation, are obsessed with home makeovers. It's real, it's dangerous, and it's more common than you might think."

Guests include Ty Pennington, celebrity carpenter, and Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona, who believes the government should limit the number of remodels each citizen may participate in. "Serial makeovers not only place the homeowner at risk of stress from endless decision-making, but they also place a great strain on our resources. Tile, granite, throw pillows - things that once were abundant in our environment are all disappearing at alarming rates."

Check local listings for time and channel.

The History of Labor Day

2005-09-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Labor Day: How it Came About; What it Means

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the completion of those chores that have been put off since summer began. Summer is a time to laze around, to go to the beach, to sleep. Certainly not to do things such as repairing torn window screens, fixing the garage door and cutting back the overgrown bush on the side of the house. Things like that are just no fun. But suddenly it's September and it's time to go back to work, back to school - back to real life. So Labor Day was created to give Americans one extra day to stand in a long line at Home Depot and then go home and clean out the gutters.

Labor Day. Enjoy it!

What Took So Long?

2005-09-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

AP - today

WASHINGTON - All over the country people are asking why it took so long for relief to reach hurricane-ravaged areas.

Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth of the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens offers one explanation. "As soon as we realized the scope of the devastation, I put a call out to our General Contractor. I left a message on his cell phone. I also called his office and the woman there told me he was 'at another job site.' I tried his pager but it was off. In the course of the next two days I left several more messages. I'm still waiting for the GC to call back."

Kenneth promises that the Army Corps. of Decorators is ready to mobilize as soon as needed, bringing drapery, paint color and accessory advice to those affected by the hurricane. "All those people in shelters should take some comfort in knowing that professional government decorating advice is on its way to them. We are also sending thousands of style guides with tips on things like creating pleasing photo arrangements and selecting the proper size lighting fixtures. I suggest that while people are sitting around in the refugee centers, they take a little time to study these guides."

Kenneth also stressed that this should be a reminder to all Americans of the importance of having a Family Emergency Decor Plan. "Immediately after a disaster such as this, you may not be able to think clearly. What is the name of your kitchen granite? Where did you get your cabinet knobs? These types of crucial details should be recorded somewhere. We urge all Americans to take a few moments to make a list and file it with your other important papers in a safe place."

The DHHG stands ready to join the rest of the government in offering relief from this national disaster.

Hurricane Relief

2005-09-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

Our hearts and prayers go out to the people affected by the hurricane.

Please make whatever donation you can:

Red Cross

Salvation Army

Habitat for Humanity

or the relief organization of your choice.

Important News About Home Brewed Coffee

2005-09-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

The DHHG has released the following information about brewing coffee at home:

Personal Coffee System

Feng Shui Changes Name

2005-09-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

AP - 11 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - In an attempt to appeal to a younger demographic the ancient Chinese practice known as "Feng Shui" has changed its name. It will now be known as "F. Shizzle."

Housing Bubble Update

2005-08-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

In further news related to the debate over the existence of a housing bubble, Mr. Bubble has filed a lawsuit claiming copyright infringement, as well as lost earnings, medical expenses, physical pain and mental suffering.

"All this talk about a housing "bubble" has cast a very bad light on bubbles. Our image has been tainted. I'm all about good, clean fun, but now when anyone hears the word "bubble" all they think about is losing money. It makes people sad and anxious. And that makes me angry. I'm so angry I'm afraid I'll burst."

Mr. Bubble's lawyer said his client has been seeing a therapist, and the suit asks for monetary damages in an undisclosed amount.

DHHG Captures Spy Drones

2005-08-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

The DHHG has captured several unmanned spy "balloon drones" inside the White House. While officials declined to release specific information, a statement said that the drones appeared to be unarmed, but were gathering extensive data about the wallpaper, furnishings and drapery choices in the Oval Office. A website belonging to the underground terrorist decorating cell calling itself PDLF, or People's Decor Liberation Forces, has claimed responsibility and has vowed to continue their struggle against the western policies of decor aggression.

Don't Forget to Vote!

2005-08-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

Help the DHHG pick our new motto. Every vote counts.

VOTE HERE

National Guard Called In Appliance Incident

2005-08-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

Midsville, Ohio: The National Guard was called to protect a 16-wheeler that had broken down on the Interstate just outside of Denver. The truck, carrying top of the line stainless steel appliances, had experienced electrical failure, resulting in the back doors being unable to close. As the driver sat waiting for help, passing commuters noticed the professional ranges and ice-in-door refrigerators. A crowd quickly gathered and then turned aggressive, as several in the mob attempted to cart away the extremely heavy appliances. The driver called for help to subdue the agitated mob.

Milton Smith, an insurance agency manager, was one of those arrested. "We're redoing our kitchen and we've been shopping around for appliances. When I saw all that shiny stainless steel gleaming on the side of the highway it was like it was put there for a reason. Anyway, it's not like these big corporations are going to miss one little stove. People like me, in mid-management, we feel like we're oppressed, you know? We deserve nice appliances."

The truck driver, who was unharmed, said he was not shocked by the incident. "People gotta have their stainless. It's a classic that works in any decor. I might have to think about carrying protection from now on."

Cast Your Vote!

2005-08-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

"Batty For Britain" Program

2005-08-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

The DHHG has launched an important new program to show U.S. support for our British allies. Read the full press release:

"Batty For Britain"

New: The PrefaBungalow

2005-08-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever flipped through a Restoration Hardware catalogue and thought "I love this stuff. I wish I could live in this catalog." Well, now you can.

New from Restoration Hardware is the "PrefaBungalow." The kit takes all the guesswork out of putting together an authentic reproduction home. Why stress out about making bad decorating choices? Restoration Hardware has done all the work for you.

Included is a complete one-story bungalow structure (walls, floors, windows and doors), and all necessary furnishings from Restoration Hardware's extensive collection. You get your choice of wall color (Silver Sage, Butter Cream, or Latte), furniture (Marston or Blaine), and bathroom furnishings (Chatham or Bistro.)

Everything is guaranteed to coordinate perfectly, resulting in instant gratification. Start living the pre-assembled reproduction lifestyle you've always dreamed of! (Catalog only. Some assembly required.)

Special introductory bonus:
order now and receive an
authentic reproduction pet.
Your choice of white ("Mr. Scraggles")
or black ("Winston")

Housing Bubble: Fact or Fiction?

2005-08-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

As the debate over the existence of a housing bubble rages on, we got an exclusive interview with one expert.

Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, met us at an Emerald City Starbucks for a quick chat. Graciously greeting fans as she made her way to our table, Glinda is as radiant in person as she appears in pictures. Sipping her latte (soy milk, extra hot) Glinda explained, "A lot of people are surprised, but I don't live in my bubble. It's actually just a travel bubble. I have a very nice condo about 10 minutes outside of Emerald City. Luckily I bought right before prices went crazy so I've already got equity in the place. It's just a little 2 bedroom/2 bath, but it's got incredible views of the Enchanted Forest." Flashing a dazzling smile, the busy witch apologized for having to rush off to another appointment. "It's great to finally set the record straight. At least for me, there is no housing bubble. Just a travel bubble."

Reproduction of "Tom Cruise/Oprah" Couch Available

2005-08-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

Due to overwhelming demand, furniture giant Thomasville has stepped up production of its "Serenity" couch, which closely resembles the one Tom Cruise abused during his infamous appearance on the Oprah show. The perhaps questionably named "Serenity" couch is available in a variety of colors, fabrics and leather choices. While Thomasville stands by the quality of its products, the manufacturer makes no representation that the couch will withstand repeated jumpings-on, arm-wrestlings, or make-out sessions with Katie Holmes.

The "Serenity":

The DHH "G" Spot

2005-08-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the DHHG's Garden Spot.

Today we have a very special "Celebrity G Spot" featuring singer/actress Jessica Simpson. Join us as we peek over the fence into the garden of one of Hollywood's most talented performers. Oh, and don't worry about getting chased away by security guards - you're on government business. Here's our question for Jessica -

Hi Jessica! I'm a huge fan. (of yours.) I was wondering, are you related to Bart? Also, are you in favor of "green" gardening? And what do you have in your garden right now? Thanks and Keep On Rocking!
Molly S., Ohio

Jessica answers -

Hi, Molly. Jessica here! Thanks for being a fan. Unfortunately, I am not related to Bart, but I think he's very talented in what he does. And I have to say that yes, I am in favor of green gardening. But I also love a lot of color, like from flowers. If you have too much green it just looks like trees, so I have a lot of flowers in my garden with colors like yellow and pink. The other thing I have a lot of in my garden right now is dog poo.
Lots of love,
Jessica

Welcome Home, Crew of Discovery!

2005-08-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

The nation rejoiced this morning as the shuttle Discovery returned safely from its journey into space. The astronauts' families were especially happy to see their loved ones home safe and sound. Steve Robinson's wife, in particular, was elated. Speaking with reporters shortly after Discovery landed, she said, "It was really amazing to see him walk in space and fix those thermal tiles on the shuttle. There's no reason he can't get up on our own roof and clean out that clogged gutter now!" Interviewed at Andrews Air Force Base, Robinson was quoted as saying he'd "get right on it."

Weekend Home Repair Injury Report

2005-08-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

Another slump in the numbers this weekend, compared to last year. Consumers continue to stay away from home repair projects in favor of "fun" summer activities. Analysts warn against reading too much into the numbers, and predict a return to home repairs in the upcoming holiday season.

Ladder falls: 82
Combination ladder lutz with half-loop shelf grab: 7
Screwdriver woundings: 206
Eye injuries: 864
Too embarrassing to explain, resulting in trip to emergency room: 52

And as always, exercise caution when working with robots.

Words To Ponder

2005-08-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

"For what is the brush without the paint, or the paint without the brush? Each needs the other to fulfill its destiny. And to paint the wall." Old Chinese proverb

Shuttle "To Do" List

2005-08-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

We all have those endless "to do" lists for the weekend (clean out garage, fix garbage disposal.) Astronauts are no different than anyone else.

The DHHG has obtained a copy of the directive from Discovery Commander Eileen Collins to astronaut Stephen Robinson regarding the work needed to repair the shuttle: (click on list to make larger)

Consumer Awareness

2005-08-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

Special DHHG consumer awareness alert:
Ophthalmologists have reported an increase in eye injuries due to colors "popping" during home renovation. The DHHG urges taking all necessary precautions, including the use of protective eye wear.

Whaz Up, DHHG!

2005-08-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to another installment of the DHHG newsletter, where you get the 411 on the latest books, movies and tv shows relating to the world of your home.

The temperature is still sizzling hot, but hang in there, because we've got a preview of the exciting home-related shows coming your way for the fall. We don't want to grandstand, but we think the presence of the DHHG in our nation's capital is having some influence. There seems to be a definite Washington flava to the upcoming shows. Check 'em out for yourself!

From BRAVO: "Queer Eye for the Senator Guy"
The Fab 5 pay a visit to the guys on the Hill. Can the team take these style-challenged government types from power ties to the power of being properly moisturized? There oughta be a law!

From ABC: "Extremely Expensive and Wasteful Government Makeover - Home Edition"
Most home remodels involve extensive delays and spiraling budgets. And who knows more about that than our government? Watch as an average home is totally remodeled. Each makeover is expected to take 3-5 years and cost more than two billion dollars.

From HGTV: "Design on the Taxpayer's Dime"
The familiar format, which shows viewers how to accomplish various decor looks for budget prices, gets the Washington treatment. With little preparation and no plan at all, a huge team of decorators debates various design ideas until eventually someone gives in. The end result is a decor no one really likes, for more money than anyone wanted to spend.

Also from HGTV: "Mission Organization Accomplished"
Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez leads a highly trained special ops team into the chaotic closets of messy homeowners. Working swiftly, the team whips the areas into shape, and then departs, leaving order and sanity. Sir, yes Sir!

DHHG DECOR ALERT!

2005-07-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

THE DGGH HAS ISSUED AN ALERT TO ALL CONSUMERS: The giant fork and spoon in the above picture are intended purely for DECORATING PURPOSES ONLY. Please do not attempt to ingest food with these items. The amount of food ingested will be well above governmentally approved daily allowances. To be honest, we don't even like the idea of these things hanging on your wall. They kind of freak us out. But we understand that you may have some sort of utensil theme going and we're not here to judge. Our goal is consumer awareness and safety in decorating.

The Man Behind The DHHG

2005-07-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

The DHHG is headed by Secretary Kenneth H. Kenneth. Read more about Secretary Kenneth here: http://www.deadbrain.com/news/article_2005_02_02_3511.php

Secretary Kenneth oversees a staff of 11, give or take. Departments within the Department include such departments as the Department of Fabrics & Furnishings, The Division of Labor and Remodeling, The Section For Space Planning, The Area of Rugs, and The Room Where We Think About Color.

Welcome to the DHHG!

2005-07-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens. The DHHG was created by the President in February of 2005 as a response to the discovery of an underground home decorating cell. (http://www.deadbrain.com/news/article_2005_01_13_4314.php

The DHHG is charged with overseeing all facets of home decorating and remodeling, including furniture placement, color choice (fabrics and surfaces) and outdoor spaces including patios, gardens and walkways. In these troubling times, we must all be vigilant and work together to stamp out the threat to our great nation's most cherished expression of individuality - our living spaces. Together, we can achieve greatness. Together, we can achieve balance and proportion and color coordination. Together, we can and will triumph over those who seek to destroy our American way of decor.

Remember - you can't spell "HOME" without "ME." And "ME" means "YOU." And me. And all of us. So let's join together and stamp out the terror of home decor!

The official motto for the DHHG should be:
	Fighting the terror of home decor
	First educate, then decorate
	Come on-a my house, my house a come on ...

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